The Myth of the Self-Sacrificial Mother

00:01
There was this, I don't know why I'm laughing because it's not funny, but there was this creepy card for Mother's Day that my mentor while I was training to be a matress in his guide showed us.

00:13
And it went something like this When you become a mother, you stop being the picture, you become the frame.

00:23
Let that sink in. What in the world is that? I was shocked, I was angry, I was baffled, I was frustrated, and many, many, many shades of disturbed when I read that postcard that was supposed to honor mothers on Mother's Day.

00:42
What's the cultural message behind that postcard? That you stop existing when you become a mother. That you're not the main character in your life anymore. That you are just a frame. So depressing, so uncaring of the rich and fascinating inner life you have as a mother, of a mother's work, of a mother's transformation, so uncaring of the a mother's self.

01:18
Mothers are culture shifters and creatrixes. Then why are they kept in the background, quiet and unsupported? I'm Simona, Seasons of Matressen's guide and educator, holder of space for mothers, woman honoring her body, her womb, and her wise cycles, and this is Motherlived, the podcast that centers mothers and brings to light their lived experience, shifting the way mothers care for themselves and the way we support mothers as a culture.

01:48
I'm filling the gap between what we think we know about mothers and their true lived stories and transformation. I sit down with amazing wise women, thought leaders, wealth of creativity to talk about matrescence, motherhood, womanhood, cyclicality, spirituality, sexuality, and all the juicy, deep, complex threads we weave together as women.

02:13
You won't leave this podcast without a seed of change or inspiration growing inside you. Welcome

02:30
Today I want to tell you a truth that might be hard to digest, and that is that you're not a better mom if you sacrifice yourself. If you want to stop the podcast now and go do something else, of course, by all means do.

02:46
But please do ask yourself why you're leaving. Is it because you take offence but what I've just said? Is it because you disagree and you don't see the point in listening to this further?

02:57
Be honest with yourself. Now, if you're still here, let's get into this deeper. You have a set of ideas that lead the way you mother. You believe that if you do this and this and this, you are a good mother.

03:12
you breastfeed until two, if you cook healthy meals every day, if you find mothering instinctive, knowing naturally what you have to do, if you care for your family non-stop without breaks or time to be with yourself.

03:26
And the list goes on and on. Now, these beliefs about being a good mother live inside you. They shape the way you mother, the way you treat yourself, and the way you perceive yourself.

03:39
And they didn't take form the minute you became a mother. They came way before that and took shape inside you, influenced by a bigger system in which you live, in which we all live.

03:51
Think about as far behind as your childhood. You are your mother's daughter. You have witnessed your mother being a mother to you. And if you haven't, you have witnessed some type of parental figure that mothered you, better or worse.

04:07
And if you've witnessed a mother who constantly put herself last, who never bought things for herself, who never took breaks, who only took time off when she was severely ill, or not even then, who cooked all day, cleaned, who didn't spare a second sitting still, caring for herself, showing you what that means, you will probably have absorbed this idea unconsciously that being a good mother is sacrificing yourself.

04:37
Now, hands up if you've ever heard some variation of this. This is what being a good mother means, sacrificing yourself for your children. I know you have. I know I have. I've grown up in Romania, that's in Eastern Europe, and this idea of the mother who sacrifices herself for the whole family, who doesn't care for herself, is very, very rooted in our culture.

05:03
Remember how I said about you being a mother in a much bigger system? Well, having heard variations of this idea, the self-sacrificial mother in your family, in movies and TVs and commercials on Instagram, at play dates, yeah, you you hear this idea.

05:23
Now, this is the proof that this bigger system shapes mentalities and the way we perceive mothers. The patriarchal system in which we live that influences how we think, how we act, what we like or dislike, has a very fucked-up image of what being a good mother means.

05:42
And a very unrealistic one. There was this, I don't know why I'm laughing because it's not funny, but there was this creepy card for Mother's Day that my mentor while I was training to be a matress in his guide showed us.

05:57
And it went something like this. When you become a mother, you stop being the picture, you become the frame.

06:07
Let that sink in. What in the world is that? I was shocked, I was angry, I was baffled, I was frustrated, and many, many, many shades of disturbed when I read that postcard that was supposed to honor mothers on Mother's Day.

06:26
What's the cultural message behind that postcard? That you stop existing when you become a mother, that you're not the main character in your life anymore, that you are just a frame. So depressing, so uncaring of the rich and fascinating inner life you have as a mother, of a mother's work, of a mother's transformation, so uncaring of the a mother's self.

06:54
My love, you are not a frame. You are not disappearing. You are the director, you are the main lead, you are the scriptwriter of your life. You matter and making yourself disappear will not make you a better mom.

07:09
It will make you, though, an invisible one. And your child doesn't need an invisible mother. Your child doesn't need a mother who cancels herself, who cancels her needs, her creative power, her wisdom, her beautiful and rich inner life.

07:26
Your child needs to see an alive, bold, strong woman who honors herself, who cares for herself, and who is present in all her greatness. Now, the trap of this misconstructed and toxic belief that self-sacrifice makes you a better mother is that you're constantly penduling between two choices.

07:48
I choose myself or I choose my child. When in fact this is just a black and white scenario drawn up by the bigger system we live in, cornering you to believe that these are the only two options, pressuring you into making the choice.

08:05
And guess what you'll choose? When you know you have to choose between you and your child, you're always going to choose your child. You will choose to give it all to your child if this is the only choice.

08:18
But it isn't, my love, it's not black and white. There are a ton of shades in between. Now, as a mother, you are constantly pushed and pulled by definition. Dr. Alexandra Sachs, who is a reproductive psychiatrist, speaks of the emotional tug of war of matrescence.

08:39
You are pulled to care for your baby, to see them thrive, to offer them the best you can, and at the same time you're pushed away by your mind because you remember those other parts of yourself.

08:51
You remember your needs, you remember your past life. You you're in contact with your rich in your life. You remember relationships, values, spirituality, work. And this is normal normal. And it is just as normal for you to answer to both those calls.

09:07
And you can do this without having to choose. Caring for yourself and allowing yourself to preserve a separate identity is necessary in desirable for both you and your child to thrive. When you do this, you also allow your child to develop their own identity in a healthy way.

09:27
Now what this restrictive binary does, you know, choosing between you or your child, is that it disconnects you from yourself. This false choice is what drives you further and further away from your inner life, from your inner knowing, from your intuition, from your gut, from denying your needs.

09:47
It leads you to denying your needs, your thoughts, your rich inner life, and your inner knowing is what makes your mothering authentic and align with your values, align with your most beautiful and higher self.

10:03
When you constantly deny your needs in your inner life, you are pushing away from your beautiful self and you're signaling your intuition. You're telling it, uh oh, no, you need to stop talking. Now lucky for you, your intuition never stops talking.

10:19
We just switch frequencies sometimes and we stop hearing it. When a mother is disconnected from herself, when she does not listen to her intuition anymore, that is when she falls prey to guilt, to shame, to isolation, to to feelings of unworthiness, of helplessness, of depression.

10:41
When you operate by this standard of me or my child, when you don't measure up to this toxic standard of the self sacrificial mother, you can't access the growth and gifts that come with your mothering.

10:54
You distance yourself from the most precious guidance system you have by definition. The wise woman living inside you, your intuition.

11:05
A world in which mothers are in tune to their intuition and mother guided by their inner wisdom connected to themselves is a world in which I want to live in. That is a world in which women have a voice, in which children are raised with a strong sense of self, a strong sense of community, a world in which the gifts that each and every mother has are multiplied and shared.

11:32
So amazing, wise mama, the choice is not me or my baby. And every time you care for yourself and nurture yourself does not mean you are a bad mom, does not make you a selfish mom.

11:46
It does not make you an uncaring mom. It means you are a wise mama who knows that she can be a better mother when she as a woman is seen, when she as a woman is cared for and nurtured.

12:01
Oh, and if you are a mother of girls, even more so this myth of the self sacrificial mother weighs. It weighs immensely more. Do you want your daughter to grow into a woman who denies her needs, who sacrifices herself for the best of others?

12:19
Do you want your daughter to give herself away on and on? Do you want her to grow up being the person who works hard to please others and see them thrive, but does not care about herself?

12:32
I'm sure that you don't. Think about the type of woman and mother you're modeling for your daughter when you constantly sacrifice yourself for her and others. And if you find that you do this, and maybe that is a belief that drives the way you mother, and you're having mixed feelings about this, or maybe even negative feelings towards yourself, I see you.

12:58
And I tell you right now that you are doing the best you can. And that if you find this hard, there is support. There are professionals who can help you. There are therapists. There is me as a matresens guide.

13:12
There is other people, other support networks, who you can choose to help you with this. This is not meant to bring up judgment or anger towards yourself, or blaming or shaming. look at yourself with compassion and love and ask from a place of self-compassion if there is something you want to do differently.

13:35
Reframe this illusion of me or my child. Take yourself out of the binary and remember that this is not what this is. You can care for yourself and for your baby. Obviously, many times not both at the same time.

13:51
But remember that when you answer your needs, when you care for yourself, when you nurture that beautiful, wise woman inside you, you are not ignoring your child. You are not a bad mama. And the more you feed that wise woman inside you, the more you answer to her calls also.

14:11
The more she will guide you and birth beautiful gifts inside you that your child, your family, and the whole world will benefit from.

14:23
So I'm gonna leave you now with some themes for reflection. Think about that if you if you were to think about your mother and how she mothered you, would you say that she tended to put herself last a lot?

14:40
Would you see this as a pattern in your family? Or if you were to ask yourself, do I think that caring for myself and putting my needs first sometimes makes me a bad mother?

14:52
Explore with curiosity, with self-compassion, and see what story you tell yourself about sacrifice and being a mother.

15:11
Thank you so much for listening to Motherlived, and if you liked it, please show your love by sharing with other mothers who need it, who haven't yet discovered mutrescence, who are struggling, who need to feel seen, heard, and supported.

15:25
This is how we create the much needed cultural change in the way mothers are seen and held by society, returning their power their power to them and trusting the medicine that they bring to the world.

15:37
Have you joined my newsletter community of wise mamas yet? You get three mini audio episodes exclusively for you, meant to help you dive deeper into your lived experience. They cover the unseen work that mothers do, beliefs we hold about motherhood and their impact on your mothering, and cyclical alignment as a tool to help you practice self-compassion and and presence.

16:00
Join us today on Simonamustata.com slash newsletter community. Until next time, hold on to the belief that you are enough and that you carry the wisdom you need to guide you, Mama. Hugs.